Inevitable Geriatric Deterioration

She eyed me tastefully
I thought of all the wonderful moments we could share...
And then I thought of our inevitable geriatric deterioration
Like changing our own diapers at a hotel in Paris

Bed Bath and Beyond Gift Certificate

"When does my Bed Bath and Beyond gift certificate expire?"
Asked my grandmother from her deathbed
"It'll last a lot longer than you," my punk cousin said
She wished to expire on 400 thread count

Orange

Orange is my favorite color
But strangely, I hate yellow
It's so happy and unrealistic
So I sent the eggs back

Mom

My mom thought that clouds were a sure sign of God
But strangely, she'd never been outside
Was locked in a basement for all her sad life
Yeah, nobody liked mom that much

Becky

She crouched at the doorway, hair askew
She looked really beautiful like that
That homeless orphan look always turned me on
"Goddamnit Becky, I want you so bad!" I screamed for all to hear
She didn't seem to understand from all that damn poverty

My Cervix

I have a really long cervix
And a very welcoming uterus

The Bar

The light fixtures are sultry
And the tables are sensual
The gin and tonic, fuck-worthy
Your lovemaking, lackluster

Turn Over Again

It's just not working
Turn over again
Okay, now it's working fine
Yeah, I gotta get a new record player

Celebration of Promiscuity

I would call it a "celebration of promiscuity"
Mother has a more wholesome view
She calls it "kids being kids"
Our director next door calls it "Girls Next Door Volume 8: Gagging Girls"
And that's where the money is so we'll go with that

Baptism

Glittering like drips of dew
My spit on the little boy's forehead
"Consider yourself baptized, kid"

Third-World Starving Kid

Yeah, they all loved that third-world starving kid
Until one day, after she came to town town
and showed everyone her treasure
Her pouch
It was like a mouth
It was filled with locust larvae, or white gold as she called it
It's funny cuz white gold means something different for her
than it does for that starving kid,
or for me who thinks of it as jizz

The Mantle Piece

The strap-on was placed on the mantle
Displayed prominently
But not quite prominently enough

Master Craftsman

I know 10 projects from a master craftsman
At least 5 of which are tricks to opening beer bottles
And the others
Well those are of course more serious

Nice Face

Nice face asshole!
Really, I'm impressed
In all seriousness, you do have a nice face...
For a fuck face

Emily Dickinson

Really, I'm just a fat wet slut
Who, nevertheless, enjoys the poetry of Emily Dickenson
Except when she goes off on flowers and shit
I'd always thought her poetry could be improved if she'd just written about her fat slutty self

Punks Like Us

Punks like us don't like fags like you

Unless it's fag punks

Fag punks like him are often attracted to fags like you

Yes, well why not?

The fagness transcends the punkness in the end

Ronnie's Dragon

My friend Ronnie told me he had a dragon in his cellar
He named his dragon Ronnie, after himself
He always called me "Ronnie" too, even though I kept insisting that he stop
The conceited fuck

The Media

Let's never have sex again

It's like saying "fuck you" to the media

Or "fuck me" to myself

Maybe I should go upstairs and masturbate

Injun Bartender

Hey Injun bartender, give me another
You remember me?
I'm the white man that slaughtered your people
You make me pitiful